The Nest

Have you ever been witness to one of those moments that change your life forever? I mean, the moment is happening, you are fully present and aware of what is going on, and you can feel in your soul that from that second on, things will never be the same? I have had "ah ha" moments, in retrospect, that I can see were defining but very few in the moment experiences. When I was 12 I had a moment like that. My parents had divorced and had sold the farm I had grown up on and it was the day I would leave and never return. I was standing on the front porch, empty house behind me, step-mother in front of me, and in that moment I knew life would never be the same again. Boy was I right. You'll get the in between 12 and 32 story some other time.

Now fast forward...I'm 32 and in a place where I'd rather not be. I am struggling to be there, every inch of my being is telling me to go but a tiny voice I had never heard before is whispering "stay". So I fight off my inner demon that is telling me "RUN" and I decide to give living one last shot. That was May 13, 2013. Now you need to know that prior to this I had no belief in God, no desire to know God and really could care less if there was a God. It is no coincidence that the place where I would end up is faith-based and implications of God are everywhere. Struggling and struggling, I finally give in and start asking questions about this God character. "If there is a God, then why has my life been so filled with pain? Why doesn't God fix my problems when I am up shit creek? Where was God when I had to leave the farm?" You get the idea. In this place where I am, is a tiny office tucked away, almost hidden (I actually had to ask where it was) where the Chaplain was. Mind you, I have no idea what a Chaplain is but I heard she was the woman to ask if I had questions about God, so I sucked up my pride, wiped my tears and went in.

Sitting behind the desk is a friendly face with a warm smile. She said her name was Chaplain Laura and she welcomed me to sit down. I sit down and the feeling of hopelessness and despair must have been written across my face because she called it out immediately. Our first (of many) conversations went on for about an hour. It was a little uncomfortable, only because the "G" word came up a lot and she prayed for me, which no one had ever done before. Over the next few weeks I opened the Bible she gave me and started rooting around. On May 29, 2013 I got smacked in the face with a truth that brought me to my knees. Another defining life moment. Over the next two days I had to make sure that what I read, processed and felt was really what I thought it was. Was it ever!! I ran, well, speed-walked, to Chaplain Laura's office and before I even stepped over the threshold I said "I'm ready". Ready for what, you ask? Ready to say the words that would bring me salvation. I repeat what the Chaplain says and although I didn't feel any change at that particular moment, what would happen over the next five months would change the course of my life forever.

Hopelessness, gone. Lack of faith, gone. Lack of belief in God, GONE. Self-esteem, love, meaningful friendships, conversations with God, moments of true peace and clarity...GOT IT!

Along my spiritual journey with Chaplain Laura, her office became affectionately known as "The Nest". She doesn't know this, (now she will) but when I was little, I would always see baby birds that had fallen out of their nests in our barn. I would pick them up and put them back, hoping the mama bird would take care of them so they wouldn't get hurt. I knew at such a young age that the nest is where they needed to be. To grow and be nurtured so one day they could be strong enough to fly. So when God put it on my heart to name her office The Nest, life had come full circle, as it sometimes does and I was now the baby bird who needed to be nurtured spiritually so I could grow and be strengthened enough so when the day came for me to fly, I would be ready.

I will be leaving my nest on November 13, 2013. This place that has been home for the past six months. So you may be wondering if I am leaving the nest, why the blog is "Letters From the Nest"? Well...the lessons I learned, the tears I cried and the joy I have found, I found in the nest. I take the nest with me wherever I go and I know that if I should ever need some spiritual nurturing, I can fly back any time and get what I need.

“I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you're going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.” 

- C. JoyBell